Few contemporary pop bands are more unabashedly commercial than "The Adjusters," a group whose claim-to-something-opposite-fame is that all of its songs are about insurance. Their current release, "Don't Drive Your Car Too Fast," an upbeat tune written by a committee of actuaries at Smith & Tucker Insurance of Portland, Maine, is mounting the charts despite being unequivocally awful.

"Too fast, too fast, you gotta slow down/don't get no more tickets/keep your tires on the ground," is how the lyrics begin, and they get worse from there, limning cliche accident scenes and, predictably, a police encounter. It's plain from the first muddy chords that "The Adjusters" are incapable of playing their instruments, and the overall effect is a kind of "meta" joke, in that disbelieving listeners can only imagine that the song is, itself, a quasi-intentional invocation of some sort of inevitable car accident.

Nevertheless, radio stations have placed it in heavy rotation, alongside songs by "The Trust" and "The Fiduciaries."

"We only play the hits," explained Gayle Liszt, Director of Programming for WXXY in Detroit, Michigan. "The Adjusters'" company spends a lot of money advertising its insurance products with us, so our audience will have to tolerate them," she added.

Music critics and independent traffic safety experts are unanimous in deploring "The Adjusters'" single, and the rest of the band's oeuvre. "If anything, 'The Adjusters' music is likely to cause an increase in insurance claims," Hal Prentis of the National Institute For Highway Musical Safety asserted. "Studies show that terrible music causes temporary stupidity in drivers. In some cases, drivers will abruptly exit a speeding car to escape the din. Unfortunately the results of such precipitous music-driven behavior are not temporary in many cases."

"Jersey" Tucker, lead vocalist for "The Adjusters" is unapologetic. "It's all about insurance, man. The whole world is insurance. Everything important, it all comes back to insurance when you really think about it. These other bands, they're all like 'Ooh, ooh, baby, let me help you re-finance' which is cool as far as it goes. But when you're out in your new car that has, like, comprehensive insurance coverage, well, how can you not love that?"

Guitarist Jimmy "Claims" Fault agrees. "This hatred of our songs is temporary, you know. I mean we're not that bad, and everybody knows that if you keep playing a song, even if it's a song about life insurance, eventually people will learn to like it. We have a big marketing budget, you know?"

But rock radio listeners in Detroit and elsewhere have been voting with their ears. "I just don't listen anymore to the radio" said Emma Hardin, "'cause they already had commercials, but now even the songs are commercials. At first I thought that them playing all this music by bankers and insurance agents was temporary, but it sure seems like they're goin' to keep doin' it. So, you know, I'm just gonna keep listenin' to my MP3 player when I'm in my car."

Evan Chuckster was even more vociferous in his condemnation. "It's like man, they're playin' this track about--how's that go again? Oh yeah: 'your disability is temporary' and they rhyme it with 'solemnity' and 'insurance fairy?' I mean come ON!"

Smith & Tucker's next release, "Git Your Deductible," is scheduled for release later this month.

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